Confessions…

i often rant and rave that my life is so empty… so boring… so dull.  imagine seeing a rainbow in black and white, would it amaze you as a child would be seeing it in full color?  while most people live their lives to the fullest, mine is so devoid of anything that would make life a tad brighter.  i can not even attend my night sessions with jay leno and conan o’brien! because of staying late in the office.

so what is a day like for me?  here’s a rundown of what’s keeping me busy, aside of course from the regular work that i pretend to do:

1.  phone calls that sometimes turn out to be annoying.  lately i’ve been receiving solicitations from "agencies" that i have never heard of before.  while i was in deep thought ( i usually am ) trying to figure out how to save more taxes for the company i work for, my phone rang.  a lady with a not so pleasant voice introduced herself as the personal secretary of "you-know-who" and passed the phone over to him who introduced himself as attorney so and so who also happens to be a retired general with a soft heart for the less fortunate.  then he started his litany with how he is deeply moved by the condition of our poor people, the programs that they are planning to carry out like free circumcision, and with the help of benevolent people like me, together we could make a difference.  a better place for our children to live in who, surprisingly, are the hope of our beloved country.  over the past month i have received three calls from three different SEC-registered-non-profit-organizations but with the same modus operandi.  as bright as the sun, they are wolves in sheep’s clothing who did an awful job concealing their real identity.  it is as obvious as the thick dark smog that cover metro manila in the morning that these people are nothing but a bunch of crooks.  and they even used the poor and suffering people on the streets in their ploy to swindle an innocent and handsome guy like me * flashes an evil grin*.  i am quite sure that if these people and their  ilk will die, and i am sure they will - soon, the ever forgiving god will not throw them to hell because he will not allow even the two-horned red guy with a tail and pitchfork to suffer that much.  and if ever god so decides to throw them to the depths of fire, satan would not accept them for fear that he might be dethroned.  these people have no room in this world and even in the after life.

2.  deleting spam.  some of these junk mails when opened will infect your pc with a virus and your pc in turn would automatically send out mails spreading more virus to everyone in your address book.  some mails pop out in my inbox out of no where and offer viagra at huge discounts, weight losing pills at unbelievably low low prices, herbal medicines that do wonders, real estate properties, on-line dating, managing your mortgages, low interest on loans with no collateral required, measuring your i.q. etc. etc.  having troubled sleep, embarassment and a feeling of inferiority because of your teeny-weeny manhood?  well, fret no more.  they’ve just discovered, with the help of their brilliant pool of scientists, the pill that would make your unmentionable, ehm, humongous.  isn’t that enchanting? and here’s more, if your women wont beg for more?  you will get your money back.  now that’s the most enticing selling proposition that i have ever heard!  i am so convinced by this sales pitch that i would buy the product in a flash but i am so sorry to disappoint these thoughtful men of advanced science because i don’t need such a magic pill * flashes a more evil grin*.

3.  trips to the comfort room.  not to poop or pee but just to freshen up.  if you are so burnt out with what you do, fighting the urge to doze off, or just so tired of sitting, try running some cold water on your face and you’re back to fighting mode.  a few steps to and from the comfort room will also help you lose some of those unwanted bulges.

4.  coffee breaks.  9: 30 in the morning and 3:00 in the afternoon.  i’m not one of those yuppies that you would stumble upon if you frequent starbucks or seattle’s best. for break times i take hot chocolate and  a helping of the canteen’s menu for the day.  coffee breaks are not just for drinking coffee, or chocolate, but also for office mates to catch up on the latest gossip, update on their favorite tv soaps and talk about who’s who on the latest korean shows that make a lot of my office mates go gaga.

5.  check on friends.  i have very few friends so i make it a point to drop a message for them or give them a call from time to time.  most of my friends are either peacefully enjoying someone’s company on another side of the planet or completely lost in the hustles and bustles of corporate life’s daily grind.  it’s always a joy to receive a hi or a hello from a friend especially when you least expect it.  the thought of being remembered never fail to move me.  friends, where are you?! *sniff sniff*

6.  flirting with my virtual friends.  i won’t mind elaborating on this but there might be minors lurking around so let’s skip this *you guessed it right, a much wider evil grin*. 

7.  check www.business.inq7.net to see what’s happening on the philippine market.  peso is so volatile these days that it is a herculean task to predict tomorrows exchange rate.  oh is this work-related?  sorry, i did say i wont include this kind of stuff here didn’t i? 

8.  update my to do list.  shut my pc off.  hit the road home.

seeing the list made me realize that my life is not that empty after all.  apart from work - the only activity that pays the bills - i have at least eight activities to look forward to every day.  i think i’m beginning to lose my grip now.  till next time…

(I do not know the origin of this article but it sure gave me a hearty laugh.  It was shared to me by a good friend and I thought of sharing it to you too!)

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those
who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a
dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a
pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee,
do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of
the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming
on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

if there is an award for living the most boring life, i am a sure winner.  monday to saturday starts with a cold bath at 6:30, a dull breakfast at the office canteen by 7:45 - same menu day after day after day, then off to my computer trying to cancel out as many items in my to-do list as possible.  my days end when our IT does systems maintenance, that is 12:00 midnight or until my mind stops to process anymore information, which ever happens first.  if a sunday falls on a month end, you’ll find me in the office, same with holidays. it’s been a routine that i have unwittingly put myself into for almost a year now and i am beginning to think if this is the life that i really want.

i have just realized now, in retrospect, that lately i am becoming a grouch and it clearly shows at home and at the office.  do not make a mistake or you will hear a mouthful from me.  maybe this is the effect of depriving myself of a decent sleep, or the lack of a much needed breakaway.  or it could be the result of being exposed to so much negative things that happen around me.  i particularly do not enjoy eating breakfast at the office canteen because of the news being flashed on a huge idiot box.  why cant early morning news be uplifting and inspiring?  some people need positive vibe to start their day right!

christmas of 2005.  after over a decade since i finished high school i went back to my home town in isabela to spend christmas with my relatives and childhood friends.  words fail to describe how i felt when i set foot once again to the place where i spent my entire childhood days.  it was like a scene from a movie, a chapter from a novel.  here is where i had all my firsts, good and not so good experiences that made me the person that i am right now.  it was a joy to see people again after a long while, they all seem to look so different.  it was really good to talk about the good old days, back when our lives were so much simpler.  the family has grown so fast that i could hardly remember the names of my cousins and nieces and nephews that were introduced to me for the first time.  guess i will get used to being called tito, man i’m old.  and my friends have their own families too!  damn! i think i’m the only guy from my high school batch who didn’t get to tie the knot.  yes, the only handsome guy from the batch who is still a bachelor… unbelievable.  i mean its unbelievable that everyone has their own families already, not that im unbelievably handsome, silly.

my vacation was even made more memorable because i got the chance to spend some time with my apong; my dad’s mother.  she was born 1911 and she could hardly remember a thing.  but when i asked her if she could still remember me, she said of course! you are romy’s son… fred.  she is the sweetest grandmother anybody wish they have.  and i consider myself lucky i had some time spent with her.  i remember having afternoon miriendas  with her talking about japanese war, how some japanese soldiers helped them at times.  from her i learned that not all japanese soldiers were bad after all.  she also taught me to value education - and value education i did.  just like ten years ago, i left isabela that december with a heavy heart.

february 4, 2006, saturday. i reported for work as usual but that day promised to be an unusual one.  earlier that morning, news broke about a stampede killing about a hundred people wanting to try their luck at a local tv game show. people were hurt, people were dying.  it tugs the very core of my soul to realize how desperate some people are to  earn some money.  i could not really blame them.  our country is just so poor and life sometimes is just not fair.  some people get better opportunities and some just can’t make both ends meet even if they work 24/7.  there are people who are willing to sacrifice even their own lives in exchange for a few bucks so they could feed their families.  people are hungry, people are desperate.  these are things that the tv network’s think tank failed to consider when they made their plans for their show, if ever they had any plans at all.  nobody wanted it to happen, sweet, but it could have been avoided if you used some brain, @#$%&*!

i was still dumbfounded, staring blankly at my computer monitor when i received a text message from isabela.  my apong died.  oh well.  life surely offers some bitter pills to swallow…